When people ask, how do you like living abroad, I give a balanced answer.
Living abroad certainly broadens your horizon, enables you to really learn other cultures, to travel, to develop professionally, to challenge yourself personally ... all of these things are wonderful and why I chose to do it.
But sometimes, it's the day-to-day things that aim to kill you. Some legitimately could. Others are almost comical in their aspirations to kick your ass.
Case in point -- today, I couldn't get into my damn apartment. The keycard (similar to those obnoxiously fickle hotel keycards that never cease to de-activate at the most inopportune times) just wouldn't work. A recreation appears below ... may god have mercy if you actually get to the end.
Enter Lauren, fresh and relaxed after a couple hours by the pool. She is tired, content, eager to shower and starving. She is dressed in a bikini and towel. Note this; this fact becomes important later.
She, having just successfully used her keycard to get in the elevator, inserts said keycard into her door. No click. She tries again. No click. Again. No click. This goes on for about three minutes.
The pace changes. The amount of pressure changes. She takes off her sunglasses to ensure she is in fact at the right unit. Yes, she is. Another two minutes passes.
Finally, she (thanking god she has her phone) calls the management office.
Office: Yes?
Lauren: Hi. It's Lauren in unit XYZ. For some reason, my keycard isn't working. Is there someone that can help?
Office: No.
Lauren: ...No?
Office (not rudely, just very matter of factly): There isn't anything we can do. Is there something you think we can do?
Lauren: Um...well, I'm not sure...
Office: Is this owner or tenant?
Lauren: Tenant.
Office: You have spare key?
Lauren: Yes. But it's at my office.
Office: You have to go get it, go get it.
Lauren: I'd prefer not to if possible, as I'm in a bathing suit. Is there another option?
Office: Here. You call keycard company. (provides number).
Just for fun, Lauren tries her game of trying to open the door for two more minutes. Nada. She dials keycard company.
Company: Yes.
Lauren: Hi. I'm calling from River Place and my keycard doesn't work.
Company (sounding very proud she is able to assist): Ok. We order you new one. It takes 4 to 6 months.
Lauren: Ok. Well, that unfortunately doesn't help me now. You see, I need to get in my unit within the next four months.
Company (bubble of pride deflated): Ohhh. Ok, lah. You call landlord for extra key?
Lauren: The landlord doesn't have an extra key.
Company: You have extra key?
Lauren: Yes. It's in my office all the way in CBD. It would be a huge inconvenience for me to go there now.
Company. Ohhh. Ok, lah. We order you new one.
Lauren: And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?
Company: You go get spare one.
Lauren: I can't do that. I'm in a bathing suit and towel.
Company (lightbulb going off): We can send locksmith. You have to pay, lah.
Lauren (all the while, inserting and re-inserting the cursed keycard): Ok. Let me call my agent to confirm and call you back.
Takes deep breath. Dials her agent, who is the Chinese Singaporean mother she never had.
Agent: Hello, Lauren?
Lauren: Hi Veronica. I'm sorry to have to bother you with this ... I'm locked out of my unit again. The keycard isn't working again.
Agent: Oh, no! But that happened before and they replaced lock.
Lauren: I recall.
Agent: And now it is happening again?
Lauren: Unfortunately yes.
Agent: That is inconvenient. Do you have your spare?
Lauren (slow breathing): Well, it's at my office but I'm trying to avoid going there, as I'm in a bathing suit and towel.
Agent: Oh, no. How annoying.
Lauren: Yes. Yes it is.
Agent: Ok. I call landlord's agent to see what we can do. Meantime, you call the management office and get their help.
Lauren: Tried that. She passed me to the keycard company. Keycard company said they'll order me new keys that will arrive in four to six months.
Agent: Oh, no. That's a very inconvenient process. You can't stand outside the door for that long. Call you right back. You stay there.
Lauren (not saying aloud but really wanting to): Where on earth would I go?
Just for the fun of it, she tries again. Nothing. A slew of creative swear words erupt. Another three minutes go by.
Phone rings.
Lauren: Hello?
Agent: Lauren. I just tried calling landlord's agent. No answer. I will try again and call you back.
Lauren: Ok.
Just for pure torture, she tries again. Nope. Another two minutes go by. There was probably more swearing. She begins to contemplate the real possibility that she will, in fact, have to somehow get to her office -- with no bus pass or money -- while clothed in a bikini, then how to get in the office without her office key -- which is inside the apartment.
Phone rings.
Lauren (remaining calm, remaining calm, remaining calm): Yes?
Strange man: Hello? You can't get in the apartment?
Lauren (please tell me this is not a junior reporter from the Straits Times): I'm sorry, who is this?
Strange man: I with keycard company. You can't get in?
Lauren: No. The keycard isn't working.
Keycard man: Ok. I teach you how to do it.
Lauren: Um. Ok.
Keycard man: You grab the handle. You turn it three to four times. Three to four times. Then you take your right hand ... or, you could turn the handle with right hand and take your left hand ...you insert key and hold it. Then pull toward you.
Lauren: Pull toward me? Why?
Keycard man: It sometimes works. You try. Turn three, turn three.
Lauren (tries this. Nothing.): It didn't work.
Keycard man: It didn't work? You try again. Turn three, turn three.
Lauren (tries again. Nothing. To spare you the pain of this continued saga, something, somehow, causes unbeknownst, prompts the door to open.)
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